Ever since I can remember, my mother has kept a little book containing a list of special occasions: the birthdays and anniversaries of friends and family members. Not a week goes by when she doesn't send a card to someone. Often these cards go to a person my mother hasn't seen or spoken to in a long time, yet she still remembers her birthday or anniversary and finds joy in celebrating the cycle of time through the expression of her love.

I am sure many of you have mothers like this, or are women like this. I know I definitely take after my mother and have boxes of cards that I keep on hand for the many special occasions I like to celebrate. But ask yourself: How many of your fathers had special occasion books? How many men reading this keep a list of everyone's birthdays and anniversaries, and remember to honor them in some way?

Remember, women are always counting time, so we are usually much more aware of cycles than men are. Ways that women express our sacred relationship with time is by honoring these cycles of experience and marking the passage of time with celebration. Women delight in doing this, but even the most sensitive men often don't understand why we are so into celebrating special occasions.

Take, for instance, Julia and Adam. They met at a yoga class and knew at once it was love at first sight. Julia was ecstatic—she was sure Adam was her soul mate, and secretly hoped one day they would be married. One month passed, and on that night when Adam came over to pick Julia up for dinner, she handed him a card.

"What's this?" Adam asked with a smile.

"You'll see," Julia replied, squeezing his arm.

Adam opened the envelope to find a card that said, "Happy Anniversary." At first he looked a little puzzled, but then Julia piped in: "It's our one-month anniversary—one month ago tonight, March twelfth, we met at the yoga class!"

"You are such a romantic." Adam laughed, giving Julia a kiss.

The months passed, and Adam and Julia grew closer and closer. On the twelfth of every month, Julia would wish Adam a happy anniversary, and give him a card or note or small gift. Soon, they marked one year together, and celebrated by going away for the weekend to the seaside.

Four weeks later, Adam and Julia were lying in bed, and Julia pulled out a card from under the covers and placed it on Adam's chest with a giggle. Sure enough, it was a Happy Anniversary card. "Thank you, sweetheart," Adam said, "But didn't we just have our one-year anniversary last month?"

"Yes, Adam," Julia replied, "but we still can celebrate our one-month anniversaries too."

Adam looked confused and almost disappointed: "I guess I thought once we passed a year, we wouldn't have to do the one-months anymore."

When I share this story with people, men and women have different reactions. The women all understand Julia perfectly. "I think she is being sweet remembering the day they met each month," they agree. "It was kind of insensitive of Adam to say he thought he wouldn't have to celebrate them anymore, as if it was some kind of burden." Men do not see it this way at all. "Adam's right," they exclaim. "One anniversary a year is enough."

One special occasion a year is enough? What a foreign thought this is to most women! We see opportunities for celebrating the passage of time everywhere we look:

"It's the six-week anniversary of when we first said 7 love you.' " "It's the three-month anniversary of when we first made love." "It's our one-month anniversary of being married."

I remember the shocked look on a boyfriend's face once when I said: "Guess what today is? It's the tenth anniversary of the day I lost my virginity."

"You remember the date?" he asked with incredulity.

"Of course I do," I answered. "It was an important occasion."

"Tell me, how does one celebrate an anniversary like this?"

I smiled. "You figure it out."

I confess this personal vignette to make the point that I, like so many woman, keep track of the love and happiness in my life by remembering special moments.

What Women Want Men to Know:

Celebrating cycles and special occasions is a woman's way of counting the joy and marking the growth of the love.

When I stop and become aware of the time that has passed since meeting a special person, or falling in love, or starting on a spiritual path, or giving up an unhealthy habit, I am not only honoring the cycles of time—I am honoring myself and how I have grown. When Julia celebrates the monthly anniversary of meeting her boyfriend, she is marking the growth of their love. When a wife wants to do something special for her wedding anniversary with her husband, she is saying, "I want to honor how hard we have worked to stay together. I want to honor the love."

How do men misinterpret a woman's love for celebrating time? When I interviewed women about this, they made these comments:

"My boyfriend thinks I am silly for caring so much about special occasions. He said it makes me appear like a little girl to him when I get excited about birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries, and that really hurt my feelings."

"I think my husband tolerates my enjoyment of special occasions. He is a good guy, and he does it because he knows it means something to me, but the whole time I know he is counting the seconds until it is over. I wish he would understand how important they are in reestablishing the bond of love."

"My husband thinks I make a big deal about nothing on special days. I've tried to explain that when we celebrate our anniversary, it is like renewing our commitment to each other, and that is a big deal."

"Whenever my partner forgets an occasion, it makes me feel like I don't matter. He puts things in his memory bank that are important, so if a special evening or celebration isn't in there, it must be because it's just not important to him."

Here's what women are trying to say to men: The way we count anniversaries or remember special occasions isn't any different from the way a man checks his stock portfolio to see if the value has increased, or the way a dad has his son stand against the wall as he makes a mark measuring how much taller he's gotten, or the way a guy saves ticket stubs from all the playoff games he's attended over the years. These are all ways men count and measure what is valuable to them. Women count and measure love and intimacy, because that is what is valuable to us.

What Women Would Like Men to Do:

Instead of feeling special occasions are silly and frivolous, we would love it if you would be grateful that you are with a woman who cares enough about the relationship to celebrate it, and who values you enough as a partner to honor your presence in her life.

Try being the one who remembers the special occasion and suggests making plans to celebrate it. Allow yourself to be creative in the planning, and you may be surprised to find you are feeling more in love just by focusing on honoring the love—a secret, by the way, that women have always known about. She will be thrilled that you took the lead, and you will definitely get points for that!

*19\289\2*

Women’s health